I remember the day that Cody and I decided we wanted to talk to my cardiologist about what the chances were of us ever having biological children. And I’ll never forget what he said. He said, “ Tara you’re a special case, someone who has the surgery and amount of cardiac work you’ve had usually hasn’t done nearly as well as you. For all intents and purposes you’re a walking miracle. So while I know that you’ll need to be heavily monitored, there’s no reason that you shouldn’t have a healthy pregnancy”...
That moment, it was like the sky exploded in my eyes. I NEVER thought we would get that chance. And then there it was...
That conversation happened two years ago. And pretty much after it Cody and I started trying.
What they don’t tell you about trying to conceive is that, as healthy as you may be, sometimes the forces just don’t align and it becomes extremely difficult to get pregnant. By January of 2020 we’d had one miscarriage. And we would go through SEVERAL rounds of hormone treatment to get there. A lot of pain and wondering, a lot of suffering in silence, a lot of pretending everything was fine- when really all I wanted to do was scream and cry and beg someone to explain it to me. And to be honest, in the darkest of moments, I did. My body felt foreign, I was constantly breaking out when before I never had acne, and I was pushing myself to the limits. But I knew if I could just survive one more round, and another.. and another- it would happen!
In July I took my last round of hormones and we were pregnant again. It lasted about 6-7 weeks before I ended up back in the ER. We were heartbroken. And when I got home to I told Cody then I was tired of trying. I prayed that day that in whatever way God wanted us to have a family, for me to be able to not worry and just let it be. I was so tired. That’s the last time I’ve had any hormonal help or treatments.
We had already been looking into adoption for the past year or so, and with Covid things were delayed but we knew that might be the path God would eventually lead us down. I was preparing myself for the adoption journey to start after the New Year.
First week of October, I was at home and I hadn’t been feeling well. Something just wasn’t adding up. I wasn’t sick, but I really didn’t feel like myself. On the 5th by some chance I decided to take a test that had been sitting in the cabinet with no actual hope it would be positive. And then it was... and I was other- worldly shocked.
See, people who have been through IVF and had multiple miscarriages will tell you, it robs you of your joy early on. You’re so nervous it’s not going to stick that you’re overly cautious. And I’ll be honest and say, I just couldn’t tell family and friends about another “failed attempt”, as awful as that sounds.
But something I read suddenly changed my mind. A friend who had gone through a similar situation sharing her news early on, and though several states between us, I could feel her community surrounding her and lifting her up in prayer. And it hit me, I needed that. I needed the prayer warriors pleading on my behalf with me. Praying for our baby, for us that we would be healthy and strong, and mostly for us to hand it over to the Lord and trust in His plan. And so we started telling family and friends. And if felt like no other JOY!
Joy in the middle of the worlds pandemic, joy in the middle of one of the HARDEST seasons of your life, and joy during pain is powerful. It will take you above and beyond. It make your heart soar. It was make you happy-ugly cry. And so for the first time all year, I was hopeful and joyful for the things to come.
It’s still early on for us, although we are feeling much better about our odds as parents. But having our community and our people praying and lifting us up. That’s miraculous.
The fact that I’m having this child at all is MIRACULOUS! I always knew our God was a God of miracles. And even though they aren’t as well known now, God is still in the business of changing people’s lives with miracles every single day.
When I think about how this situation has played out, I’m reminded of the worship song Scars by I Am They.
“Looking back from the other side
I can see now with open eyes
Darkest water and deepest pain
I wouldn't trade it for anything
'Cause my brokenness brought me to You. And these wounds are a story You'll use.”
Even in the darkness and pain, I wouldn’t trade this time for anything. It has taught me so much about the Lord and about myself. And forever, no matter how hard it was, I will be thankful.
“For He performs wonder that cannot be fathomed, miracles that cannot be counted.” Job 5:9
Comments