Pain, a word synonymous with words like suffering, hurt, and torture. And while I’d agree that those are part of pain, there’s so much more. Pain is an unavoidable part of life. And you have a couple of choices about how you handle it. You can either let it defeat you or you can let it teach you and as a result- become stronger. I can’t say that I’ve never let it defeat me. I’ve given into pain more times than I’d like to admit. It’s consumed me before. And while not a proud moment, somehow I turned it around and learned from it.
Nearly 2 years ago my husband and I decided to expand our family. And while I’d been hesitant to have a biological child I knew it was something I wanted to explore. So we began asking all the question to my medical team. I have a serious cardiac history, but God has seen fit for me live a healthy life on the other side of pain. And so now I celebrate life daily with a new heart that some blessed soul gave to me through the gift of a transplant. So, we went through several testing session where my cardiologist came up with the short answer- we could biologically conceive and our child and I would be healthy and safe with close monitoring and healthy practices. So, we began the journey of expanding our family.
What no one tells you when you decide to start your family is how long it can take. But in January, I had the surprise of my life in a hotel room in our hometown. Not only did I not know I was pregnant, I had no idea that the awful pain I was in, was a miscarriage. Later confirmed by my OB. Several months later with no successes, we went on a Clomid journey to give us a little boost in the right direction. Within a month, I was pregnant again. On Friday August 21,2020 I woke up in terrible pain in the middle of the night. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t lay down, I couldn’t sit, I couldn’t stand. It was all so awful looking back at it now. Early the next Saturday morning I called the on call physician at my OB’s office only to be told to go to the ER. What came next was something out of horror movie. This is in the middle of the COVID pandemic, so I went alone into a tent in the parking lot of the ER to be triaged, I was then escorted to a room. The next 3 hours were horrific between testing and exams. And I spent them in PAIN. Emotional and physical pain, where I didn’t honestly know I could see the other side. When I finally came home, I had to tell my wonderful husband, there was no more baby. That was honestly worse than any physical pain I’ll ever go through. To see his face still haunts me.
Post 2nd miscarriage, I’ve been thinking a lot about God. And I have to tell you now, God and I had some very serious conversations coming out of that ER. I was furious, and I don’t know really know that it was “at” anyone. But I do know, I had so many more questions than answers. The miscarriage had happened, there’s no fixing that. After a talk with my OB that following Monday, the word “infertility” was starting to be thrown around. It was very loosely used but it was still there. Almost like they’re afraid to tell you “hey girl, we’re putting you down for infertility issues”. But there it was, out there. And if I thought I was in pain that weekend, nothing compared to this inadequate feeling I had now. How did this happen? Hadn’t I been through enough? How do I fix this? Did I do this to myself? I asked it all. And the real kicker, nobody can give you any good answers. And here we are again, more PAIN.
Now, several weeks post 2nd miscarriage. I’ve had some time to reflect. I’m still in the middle of this journey. I’m nowhere near done with this battle. But the pain is already teaching me. I told myself that no matter what, this journey of expanding our family right now- that’s the most important one. And so whatever God is teaching us through this experience I HAVE to believe at the end there will be a testimony like no other. And when I see other women going through this my immediate response is- “just wait girl, when we come out on the other side of this pain there will be a family waiting for us. And we will have such JOY!”.
In all my life, this journey has been the hardest. It’s given me the most pain. But it’s also given me the most perspective and teachable moments. I hear God so clearly these days, even on the hard ones. Even in the most pain and defeat, I hear whispers of plans and it’s all coming together even if I can't see it. I finally have dreams about goals for Cody and I like I haven’t had in a long time. I see the tunnel ahead of us and I just keep chasing the light. All the while, I’m praying, I’m hoping and dreaming for better days. I want a better world for whatever future family we’ll be blessed with. And so, in the meantime I keep working for a better future and pray that I’m laying the right foundations for us.
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